I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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