MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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