The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
