I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The air taste purple.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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