She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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