Moan for me like Helen Keller
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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