gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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