Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
