My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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