dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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