Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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