Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
