I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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