Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
