??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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