Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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