There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
