No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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