You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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