Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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