Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
