I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
