You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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