at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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