im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
