Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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