I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
