I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
