I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
