Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
