in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
