I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
