Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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