totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
