Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
is it fun? or sober?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
