Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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