I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
