I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
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