You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
