Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
