"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
