Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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