My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
