I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
