the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Randomize
