I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
