i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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