Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
