be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
