he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Randomize
