So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
