I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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