normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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