you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
